You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have

I realise how true this quote is when you’re in a real life tangible situation. Now, looking out the window of 184 I realise how small my problems are because the biggest one that I have faced was real, heart breaking and gone. During mom’s last month, hope and faith was something that I had to scrape out from the inner corners of my self. Sucks right now because I feel like crying, but I’m on a public bus and Singaporeans will not want to pay attention to someone is who is in tears.

I miss her, there’s no other way to put it. I’m really such a baby. I’d like to think that the music I’m currently listening to is making me feel the way I do right now.

Being such an insecure fuck does not help anything because half the time I feel jealous of people and its fucking disgusting. Walking into a room filled with people may just feel like someone throwing a bucket of their piss at you, not that I know what that feels like but you get the point. I mean, its like my organs have an involuntary reflex to cringe without my body crumbling on the spot and my mind just clouds with so much rage and hatred.

This is jealousy.

I have confidence to say that today I do feel a little more intouch with my feelings. This is something that I have not been doing for quite some time; drawing myself away from my emotions. I think its time I plunge into them fully and float back up. I don’t want to say it too soon but I do hope that I am beginning to live again. On the way home, I looked at the setting sky and did some appreciation of it. Along with the sun’s rays. Yippie.


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