I no longer know who I am. Nor what I stand for anymore.
The regular routine of self-reflection is now long gone and somehow the thought of doing that, just so I ‘get back on track’ seems fucking scary. As though doing it might risk my sanity but then again, either way I think my sanity is more or less clouded. Or maybe, gone?
1. I miss mom. I miss her voice, her eyes, her walking about the house. Her structure at the corner of my eye during dinner. I miss grazing her legs (annoyingly), wow I fucking miss that yknow. I miss her hugs. Her skin which I would also touch and compliment how soft it was.
I am honestly fucking ashamed that I took her for granted, for almost 18 years of my life. I am ashamed of how little pictures I took with her. I am ashamed of not talking to her enough. I am ashamed that even now, I don’t know who she was, as a person. I only ever did found out during her wake, the number of people that came and the words they spoke of her. From that, I probably only ever found out a fraction of who my mother was. I am ashamed of so many things that listing all of them tonight would totally beat my being down to the way it was 3 years ago. Pathetic.
Then, here’s the next thought. It is human fucking nature to take things for granted. No? For some god damn reason (there probably is one, with scientific research and studies), we do not appreciate and find satisfaction with what we have in the present. This is the excuse I tell myself and people, so that we (I) find solace within ourselves (myself). fucking excuse, no?
2. People need to stop caring about the stupid fucking small details which really don’t fucking matter. Like the length of your hair, or how it looks in a damn pony tail. My good lord, nobody fucking cares nobody fucking looks. Does an inch off or a curl off really bother you? Do numbers really fucking matter? fuck likes, followers, and all the other things you do for others. DO NOT DO SHIT TO IMPRESS OTHERS. Real kindness and love does not require good/excellent impressions.
Do whatever makes you happy, and if caring a fuckton about your looks/impressions/numbers makes you happy then do it. Just do it for yourself, else I’ll cry a fuckton for you. Not literally.
3. Expanding my comfort zone. How the fuck do I go about that? Wanting to burn the entire human population is a passion I have which really is at the tip of my fingers, makes my fingers want to roll into my palms and punch someone (whom I am not close). Does that previous sentence even make sense? Basically, I really detest people. Somehow, being introvert is just an excuse. So many fucking unanswered questions.
btw, I did the 16 personality test again because hell, curious to know what kind of person I am since I myself do not know. My result was ISFP.
There are still other thoughts lingering in my head but I shall leave it for another day, if they don’t fuck off. Shall head to bed because sleep is an escape from my mind. I do think I am becoming psychotic? I mean, look how fucking contradicting this whole write-up is.
It just hit me, so much anger.
That’s what I need right now.