Mess

Where do I begin?

Its been 13 days since mom’s passing and… well I can’t comprehend anything which is what this write up is suppose to do for me

Death – Not within my control.

I do not question; I do not hold on to anger (be it at God or life). Perhaps I was preparing myself for the worse circumstances?

God – I do not flipping know.

All I know is that I’m tryna thank God for things everyday; its still the same old on and off relationship. I’m not too sure about Heaven and all that jazz but I like to think that mom is there(?).

Mom – I love her and I miss her.

Well, duh. But I’m able to live with it so far; her death and all. I would say that I’m still in the process of accepting all the unknowns.

By unknowns, I mean all the questions I wish she would’ve answered. ‘Mummy, are you sad?’ ‘Did you hold onto your faith until the end?’ ‘Did you question God?’ ‘Were you angry at Him?’ What pains me the most is knowing that she was(is?) sad. It makes my heart bleed but I know my questions will never be answered; which is something I have to come to peace with. As easy as it is to think of all the bad possibilities, I must not. I have to move forward, even if I do so slowly. Cause mom would want that, cause I want to be okay.

I can only tell myself that mom lives in me; in my heart. And that perhaps, her spirit is always looking out for me. If her spirit exists, I want her to be at peace; that she held onto God’s hand and went to paradise and met kor kor Brendan. All this, brings comfort to me; to be able to cope with everything better.

Dad – hurts.

To say he feels the loss, sadness and emptiness would really be an understatement. I wish so flipping hard that I could find the words to comfort him… On the bright side, he is searching how to overcome grief and at least, he’s willing to be alright.

School

Its techincally the second week of school but for me, its the first week. So far, I’ve been very lonely. Loneliness is fine, but being alone is an area filled with groups of friends make me feel awkward as hell. I’m hoping things get better, if not I’ll just have to learn to cope with it? Not gonna go on about the people in sch (to be exact, class) because they aren’t worth mentioning or thinking about except for Jing He. Jing He cares which make me happy enough, I think.

Happiness – what?

I can’t say I’m happy but I can’t say I’m not. I have the strength to say that life is good, but in all actuality, I don’t feel it. I’m still being positive and all; I’ve not been in a bad mood so far?

In terms of self growth, I’m just trying to love and be patient with everybody, myself included. But of course, its also on a bit of a standstill cause I think I’m still tryna cope with the loss?

OKAY. Like WOW. FUCK THIS HAHAHAHAHAH I’VE NOT got anyfuckingthing figured out. Writing all these thoughts out was supposed to make me feel better but WHY the fuck do I feel so confused and lost on the inside? KNN.

why is being happy and okay so hard? Why does it feel so difficult to just live life?

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s